Stuck on survive

I feel like I'm spinning my wheels a little. I'm wondering if I'm mourning the "loss" of the Navy. Everything I've been doing lately doesn't seem exciting enough. Being a Navy pilot was always full of the unknown, even if I was just flying around the same island again and again- it was certainly exciting some of the time, if not most. I wonder if most people who leave the military for the civilian sector feel the same way.

My relationship with God has been hurting lately too. I talk AT Him, not with Him. It's almost if I'm not sure if He's listening or not. I wonder why this doubt has crept up. I have my theories, but they're all stupid. I know God will forgive me for my doubt...I just want it to be gone, but I'm kind of sturggling with that too.

I feel like I'm struggling with so many things that all I can do is just wake up and try to survive each day. I know I can. I know I will. But why should I waste my life just "surviving"? Shouldn't I be loving, and smiling, and laughing, and singing, and spreading happiness, joy...

It sounds to me like I need a savior. Good thing I have one, right?

So Serious! Absolut Ads

Geez my blogs have been serious lately. I need to get out and have a good laugh with a friend.

Well, I started school this week, and I am so excited for my new classes. They are going to challenge me a lot, but I am chomping at the bit already. For my final project (yes, I'm already thinking about that) for my favorite class will be my own Absolut AD. So far she said that it has to say something about yourself. Here are the ones I've thought of so far:

Absolut Resolution 1 - A scale top with a hand sliding the slider to the "heavier" side, while the slider itself is an absolut bottle, or at least in the shape of one

Absolut Resolution 2 - A person lifting weights, but the weights and the bar is made up of to absolut bottle on either end

Absolut Top Gun - the only idea I have is an absolut bottle with a brown aviator jacket on (and many patches) and "wearing" gold rimmed aviator sunglasses

Absolut Polynesia 1 - A tiki statue in the shape of an absolut bottle

Absolut Polynesia 2 - A canoe paddle with an absolut bottle shape in the koa wood

Absolut Summer - a picture of a woman tanning in the sun, with a burn in the shape of a bottle in her back as if she missed a spot with sunscreen

I have another idea I got while stretching at the gym. My feet where together and the shape in my new running shoes formed a curvey shapes in the different colors and patterns that came together. It would be a good picture to mainpulate to have an absolut bottle in there, but I couldn't think of what kind of absolut ad it could be. I love Addidas running shoes (will never be unfaithful) so I was thinking Absolut Addidas, but you can't really advertise one product with another...I guess.

Any thoughts or ideas?

My flesh

My soul wants so much to be with the Lord in every aspect of my life. I stare up at the ceiling longing to see the face of my Lord. My soul cries "Abba!" and wants to hold myself in His arms forever.

But my flesh cries for everything else under the sun.

I've been trying hard the last few blogs to be my coach and my cheerleader with "words of wisdom" and feel-good/ feel-strong mini-sermons. I write them, believe them, and then run to my bed room to cry my eyes out over how nothing is going MY way. I want Paki. I want Paki. I want Paki, I hear over and over and over and over....My heart aches at any thought of him. My soul is saying "I want God," while my flesh says "I want Paki."

This is not easy. I wonder if life EVER will be. Truth is, I'm not sure. I do know one thing- I hate being a quitter. In the words of Mother Teresa "God doesn't require that you suceed, He only requires that you try." I'll just keep trying everyday. Lord God, give me the strength to try again today, and tomorrow.

In Jesus's name, Amen.

Lean not on your own understanding

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

I have beem meditating on this verse for some time now. The part "And lean not on your own understanding," has been my primary focus.

How much of my life have I stuggled with "Why God? Why?" Too much. Way way way too much. If I didn't understand why, then I was mad at God. I have been mad at God for more of my life than not. When something didn't go MY way, the next thing I thought was "Why God? Why?"

I can tell you why. Because God loves me. God loves YOU. Like in the movie Bruce Almighty, God says "Since when do people know what they want". How TRUE! God wants peace and love and joy for our lives...NONE of my efforts to get what my flesh wants has ever lead me to any of those things. Am I so powerful that I can go out and make the world give me what I want?

From official experience: NO. ABSOLUTLY NO.

So what is left to want? Should I not want anything, then? Again, the answer is, no. We all should stop listening to our flesh (and trust me....this AIN'T going to happen over night) and want God. Just want God. Why would we want anything else, anyways?? Nothing else will ever satisfy us. God is everything we could ever need.

I am struggling everyday with ignoring my flesh. I haven't had a sucessful day yet. I love Joyce Meyer (if you ever have the chance to visit her web site it's www.joycemeyer.org) and she says in a lot of her teachings "I'm not where I'm supposed to be, but thank GOD I'm not where I was."

Everyday. Just a little bit closer everyday. Lean on God; not on my own understanding.

"When all you got to keep is strong....Move along."

Move along, move along. I love that song by The All American Regects. I'm not sure if they're Christian or not, but there is so much truth to that. When everything hurts and you just want to give up, there is only one thing to do: Move along.

You can't give up on life- it's the only thing we have. To give up would be tell God "I am not thankful for this." I'm not saying that it's easy by any means!!! Trust me, I have wanted to give up, and there are periods of my life where I did. You know how I got out of those times in my life? By moving on.

When I want to give up, or the pain of loss is too much and I can't bear it anymore, I talk to God. I tell him everything I am hurting about- even if it's a dissappointment I have in Him. I've even thrown punches! But you want to know what He does for me? He listens, He understands, and He even knows how I'm feeling before I even tell Him. God is always there to tell us, when we feel like we can't go even one more step, "Move along, beloved."

Just move along. One step at a time, one day at a time. Focus on God, and move along.

Waiting is Hard

I am impatient. I find it incredibly difficult to wait for something.

Right now I am waiting for something to change. I'm waiting for me to change.
I am waiting on God, but I am doing a terrible job at it.

I wake up and think about him. I sit in my apartment and think about him. I replay the life we had together over and over in my head. I cry constantly. I know God can help, but I must be doing something wrong because I am lost. I am just lost.

I keep hoping that someone will rescue me, but I've been doing that my whole life. Why can't I trust that God will rescue me? Why am I so filled with doubt?

If there was cliff to jump off to prove to God that I trust Him, I would jump off....so why am I still sitting here wallowing in my sadness? Why can't I just believe that God loves me and He will lead me to joy and happiness?

Do I have a monster in my head, or am I my own worst enemy? Why can't I be happy now? Why will I always be happy "when"? I am so sick of all of this, and I've said that so many times in the last few years, but not much has changed....BUT EVERYTHING HAS!

I am so frustrated, God. Save me, please. Show me what you want me to do.

God, I love you.