Blindly walking away

Have you ever been in a place you feel is just "not for you"? Whether it's a job, a location, a house, a school, etc., have you ever felt that you just shouldn't be there? Like God wants you somewhere else? You're not quite sure why you feel this way. You might even start to feel like you are starting to fit in, but you still feel like you're constantly looking over you sholder towards the exit.

That's the way I feel right now. I joined the Navy for an adventure. Being a Navy brat, I've been moving around my whole childhood. Different schools. Different houses. Different places. Different firends. Every few years there was a huge drastic change in my life. So as I was growing up, it felt only natural to want that in my adult life.

I also had a mother who worked really hard in that "man's world" that was so prevailant 20-30 years ago. She was the first female flight surgeon the Navy has ever had. My father: a navy pilot (go figure that one out :). She spent her whole life trying to prove something. He spent his whole life working towards the top. I think it was only natural for me to feel the pull of the Navy life. I never really thought about it much. It just seemed like the Navy was what I was going to do.

Let me tell you something about my parents before I continue. My father is the second child, surrounded on either side by a sister. Apparently, his mother doted on his fragile, blooming siblings, while he was left out of the doting and emotional attention. He grew up quite bitter towards anything "girlie". My mother is the second child of two children, the first being her no-good run-down brother. Her father doted upon him and gave him all the attention. If her father was going fishing, he would bring his son...and leave his daughter at home watching them leave and waiting for them to return. My mother had something to prove: she had to prove that girls could do it to. This is what I grew up with.

You can imagine how I was after leaving the house to go to college. I was the "don't you dare try to tell me I can't do it 'cause I'm a girl," that you have probably met at one time in your life and hated.

Now fast forward to my life now. A pilot in the Navy. I have been out to sea. I have over 500 hours in helicopters, but I'm finding that I keep looking over my shoulder towards the exit. What I am looking for? I'm not quite sure. I can tell you that I am so tired of pretending I'm one of the guys. Talking about bodily functions or telling jokes about blondes with big boobs. I'm sick of feeling like I need to prove that I can fit in with those "type A" guys who I fear will never actually grow up- they feel like they don't need to because they're Navy pilots. They're egos are so big that stepping into a room with one I find that it's hard to breathe- they use up all the oxygen flapping their mouths.

I feel the pull of something else. Something deep inside me telling me to have faith and keep walking forward, even though forward is a direction opposite of everything I had tried for up until now. Unfortunatly, I cannot see in front of me so sometimes it gets very unnerving. Could it be that I feel the pull of something I have been taught by my parents is unrespectable? Would being a "homemaker" or stay-at-home mother truly be "unacceptable" by everyone....or just me? I'm definitly in a shadowy place, but the goodnews is that it isn't dark.

Yes, I cannot see the future, and truly even tomorrow is covered in a cloud. The Good News is that the cloud is not black. It is surrounded by light. It's my faith. It is the ONLY thing I am sure of.

I really don't have a closing thought on all of this. Truly, I have no idea where I am headed and why I am going there (wherever that is). But it's is nothing but pure joy to know that God is by my side every step of the way.

Are you hungry for milk or solid food?

Hebrews 5:11 - 6:12

Heb 6:1 "Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity,"

This passage and my reading today really hit home. I have been spending too much time "walking around the same mountain", instead of moving on in my walk with Christ.

For years now, I have always been "going through something right now." At first I was going through flight school, then I was going through the FRS, then I was moving to Hawaii to be in my first fleet squadron, then I was going on cruise, then I was returning from cruise, then I was dealing with that dark cloud I like to call my "personal problem", and now I'm going through something else.

It seems that I am always going through something that I want others to pity me for. That's what I have always been seeking: pity. I wanted people to feel sorry for me. Always the victim; never the savior. There is always something going on in my life that I want people to "give me a break" about. If someone would call me out, I would just say "Oh, you just don't understand." My mother does that all the time and it drives me crazy! Imagine what God must feel!

I have been sitting idle for too long! What am I waiting for? No time is going to be perfect. No person is going to be perfect. No situation is going to be perfect. It's not going to be spelled out for me. I keep saying to God, "Just show me and I'll go," while God is saying "Go, and then I will show you." It is time to grow up.

Why should I act like I need someone to show me, when there are people out there I need to show? I need to have more of that good-old fashioned faith. Faith in God. Faith in myself to do God's will. I know I can do it, so what's stopping me?

Whatever answers I can come up for that question, (fear, tired, lonely, yadda yadda yadda) nothing in this world is viable. I need to grow up. Move on. Start walking down that path with diligence and consistency. Nothing will ever be done in my life if I keep waiting for something to happen.

Now is the time to go.

Is Unconditional Love Possible?

Is it possible to have unconditional love?

Unconditional means that NOTHING, absolutly NOTHING could stop the love you have for someone. Another question is, if unconditional love is possible, is it a good idea?

Once you find yourself in love, should that love stay conditional or should we fight, no matter what for the unconditional?

If we were to be like Jesus, we would strive for the for the unconditional. Our society, however, leads us to believe that when people are too different, things get too hard or too difficult we should walk away for our emotional health.

Am I the only one who feels that the beliefs of society today feed our selfish sides? We are always taught to believe that "It's all about me! My needs, my wants, and my desires."

When did we stop loving our neighbors to love ourselves more?

Remember, it is not wrong to love ourselves. It is encouraged. Remember when Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself." That can be read two ways:
1. Don't love your neighbor more than yourself
2. Don't yourself more than your neighbor
Both are equally true AND important.

I think that the best way to accomplish the goal is to share your joy. Share with everyone. No one is too good or not good enough to share with, and when your cup is overflowing fill the cups of others who are thirsty for whatever you have in abundance.

Perhaps by sharing your blessings with others, you continue the blessings to those around you and they in turn will bless you back. But the difficulty of the conditional vs. the unconditional love is this: continue to bless them even when there is NOTHING in it for you. Continue to give even when their cup can't be filled. Remember: Seventy times seven

Love your neighbor as yourself.

This is unconditional love. Jesus has it for everyone of us...even the ones that are different or difficult. If he does it, why shouldn't we strive for that?

I'm not trying to say that it's easy. In fact, I don't think a day of my life will go by where I won't struggle with it, but you know....every day it's a little easier than the day before. Baby steps. As long as you keep progressing towards perfect, you'll be doing God's work.

So, these are my thoughts. Do you think that truly unconditional love is possible?

Not perfect, but trying to be

So this is what everyone has been talking about. The Blog.

Well, I guess I should start off by saying that I plan to use this to communicate with people who want to talk about religion, God, the Bible, and most importantly Jesus. I am an avid fan of Joyce Meyer and one of the things that I recall from her most recent broadcast was to continue to progress forward every single day. To remain idle is to allow the enemy to win.

So here I am. I feel like up until today I have been a Christian, but not progressing. As a matter of fact I would say that I was struggling to hang on for dear life. It scary how true those words are.

But I am tired.

I am tired of the darkness which I allow to consume me. I am tired of believing that I am less than worthy. I am tired of watching my years go by defined only by my sad situations that I seem to never get rid of.

So what is the Truth? The truth is there are no sad situations- only life. And if I only opened my heart to Jesus every day I would realize that life isn't sadness- it's joy. It's love. It's the glory of God. The Truth is Jesus Christ.

I want so much to share with others on their walk with God, on a daily basis! If you are interested in sharing your thoughts with me, please do. I hope this will continue to help me and others to continue progressing towards the ultimate goal of being like Christ in all that we do.

For those wondering, I am human. I am flawed. I am not perfect. I'm just someone trying to love God in return for all that He's done for me the only way I know how- to try and try again everyday.