With faith as small as...

A mustard seed.

In the words of Jesus Christ, "It is finished." I ended all communication to/from Paki last night. Of course my heart is sad, but to be honest I feel peaceful, whereas before I felt a constant struggle and unsettled feeling inside. Gosh, I miss him, and Lord knows how much I love him...but I feel I had to do this. I had to finally love myself as well. He was hurting me- a lot. When I was younger I believed "the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care....right? (The Offspring- Self Esteem)" Now I know it's, the more you suffer, the more it hurts in the end when he finds someone else.

How can you love someone that doesn't love themselves? That's exactly what was happening with me and Paki. He was cruel and harsh with me all the time, and I could hear the contempt in his voice. He was resenting me for needing him. He didn't want the burden of comforting me. He didn't want to be responsible for my happiness. He didn't want to do anything for me, and I feel like the only reason he was still in communication with me was out of pity. Well, I don't want to be pitied. I just wanted to love and be loved in return (Moulin Rouge).

The nice thing about all this....I am loved. God loves me. Even though I love Paki and I will miss him terribly forever, God will never leave me or forsake me. God loves me for who I am- not in spite of it.

Paki, if you ever read this: I really do love you. It really is a shame that it's over. All I wanted was to love you for who you are and for you to love me for who I am. I wish you the best, my love.

I still have faith, even if it's only as big as a mustard seed.

God has worked miracles before.

Denver Update

Wow it's been a while, hasn't it? There have been a lot of changes in me since the last time I wrote. I'm pretty sure no one will read this, so I'll just summerize everything for myself. Maybe in the future I'll use this to write my memoirs.

I have officially moved to Denver, and since found out that a wardrobe made for Hawaii just won't cut it out here so close to the Rocky Mountains. Luckily for me, I have family out here and my ex-aunt has been so gracious to give me just about everything in her wardrobe. Granted, it all came straight out of 1984, but at least I'm warm, right? Besides, I came here to be an artist, so maybe people will just think I'm making a fashion statement, rather than a fashion mistake.

I've made it through my first quarter of school and I loved it! Who knew that being a photographer could be so much fun?! I have always taken science and math courses... pretty much my entire life, and I was always thankful to get a B in any of my classes. I am happy (no no....ecstatic) to report that I will, for the first time in my life, get a 4.0. I believe in signs, and something's telling me that when you love something this much and you can do this good at it, maybe that's what you're supposed to be doing. Call me crazy, but it's just a hunch I have.

Paki and I are still not together, but we talk pretty much every other day now. It is really hard, and certainly weird. We can't talk like we used to, but it is still a source of comfort for me. He's coming to visit just after Christmas, and the truth is I have no idea what to expect. I'm trying hard to focus on all the good that will come of him being here, and I must say that thinking positive in general is so much better for my health. I really haven't been worrying about it- I've just been looking forward to it, which a few months ago I don't think was physically possible for me. Isn't God wonderful?! He actually answers prayers AND He can actually change a person.

I love God so much. I have never EVER had this at peace in my life, and under the circumstances (no job, alone in a new place, unsure of the future both personally and professionally) I should be nervous as all heck....but God is SO awesome. Truly truly truly I can't do this (and by THIS I mean life) without Him. How will I ever be worthy of Him? The answer - never. That's what makes Him all the more amazing.

God, thank you so much...for everything...literally.