Waiting is Hard

I am impatient. I find it incredibly difficult to wait for something.

Right now I am waiting for something to change. I'm waiting for me to change.
I am waiting on God, but I am doing a terrible job at it.

I wake up and think about him. I sit in my apartment and think about him. I replay the life we had together over and over in my head. I cry constantly. I know God can help, but I must be doing something wrong because I am lost. I am just lost.

I keep hoping that someone will rescue me, but I've been doing that my whole life. Why can't I trust that God will rescue me? Why am I so filled with doubt?

If there was cliff to jump off to prove to God that I trust Him, I would jump off....so why am I still sitting here wallowing in my sadness? Why can't I just believe that God loves me and He will lead me to joy and happiness?

Do I have a monster in my head, or am I my own worst enemy? Why can't I be happy now? Why will I always be happy "when"? I am so sick of all of this, and I've said that so many times in the last few years, but not much has changed....BUT EVERYTHING HAS!

I am so frustrated, God. Save me, please. Show me what you want me to do.

God, I love you.