Camping and Hiking - Aug 2011

I absolutely love camping in Colorado!

My little corner

I've been feeling a gap start to grow, which then grew into a valley, and now has grown into a canyon between myself and God. I'm not 100% sure what's caused it. Last night I found myself weeping (again) at the pain I feel in my heart from the loneliness I've felt for almost all my life, and it occured to me that something is wrong. Sometimes the pain is sharp, while other times, I can even laugh at it, but lately I've been too weak spiritually to laugh. I am deflated.

I've also had some interesting things happen to me spiritually lately, which is nothing but an indicator of my closeness to God. I had a demon try to attack me in my sleep - I spoke back to him with words about Jesus, and he left. This is the only time in my life I have ever had an experience like this. Why now? What has happened to let evil come into my life like this? I know I've "wrestled" demons before in my life, but I never SAW them. I just saw the effects of them. This time I saw him, and I think God allowed to me to see him for a reason. The other thing that has happened is my self confidence has wavered, and I've found myself fretting about my future and about money. This I know is directly related to spiritual warfare - the devil knows exactly how to make me doubt myself, and consequently my God, and he has pressed those buttons over and over until I started to believe them.

I was watching Joyce Meyer this morning talk about how every single one of us can do something to help people who suffer all over the world. We don't have to start a ministry, but we can start right where we are at. Do something creative! Do something that may even seem small and insignificant to the world - it's not insignificant to God. All I could wonder was "What could I possibly do for people who suffer?"

This is where the devil started. "You're not good at anything that could help anyone. You don't know anyone to help. You're too isolated from reality to even know how to make a difference. Even if you tried, you wouldn't make a difference..." and so on. Everything ever written about the devil in the bible points to his lies. So, if he's nothing but a liar, let me re-state his lies the way GOD would say them. "You are good at things that can help someone. You KNOW people you can help. You are wise enough to know how to make a difference. If you tried, you WOULD make a difference."
My corner of the world feels so very small and insignificant, but maybe, just maybe, if I do SOMETHING, no matter how small it may be, maybe God can do something great with it. First thing that came to mind was "I can cook." So now I've just got to reach out and find people to cook for. Looking through my phone I've found several people I would love to cook for, and have made a few phone calls. Maybe that's where we ALL need to start - our little corner of the world. Just START doing SOMETHING for love, and God will do the rest.

I have a feeling that when we get our focus off ourselves, and our sweet little corners of self-centeredness, God will help us with the things we've longed for. Do what you can do; God will do what you can't. Let's see what God can do with what little we've got.

Blessed and Betrayed

Hello there again my dear blog. Yes, it is I. The one who never writes.

I have been inspired by the Julie vs Julia movie, as I am sure many people out there are. Instead of starting a whole new blog, I have just decided to give more love to the blog I started years ago when I was still living in Hawaii.

The title of my blog may seem a bit contradictory. I feel the opposition inside my gut right now. The blessed part is, obviously, good news. After months of feel stuck, not going up the ladder of success, sitting at a desk for 7.5 hours a day in black painted room in a basement of a hotel everyday, my psyche was beginning to unravel a little. Sure, I love the work I do (which is photography and photo-editing, with some graphic design) and I love the people I work with, but I feel very stuck in boredom land. I can't believe that the summer is gone - I hardly saw the sun at all!
That's about how I have been feeling lately, although God has been SO gracious to me I feel very guilty about complaining about it :) That's how I HAD been feeling...until yesterday. Yesterday I received two emails within 24 hours of two separate weddings I have booked for the month of September! It's amazing what can happen in that 11th hour. Make no mistake, folks - God shows up. As Joyce Meyer has said "He may not be early, but God is always on time." He really has been there for me. This is my blessing.

Now onto the not-so wonderful part. Today I felt betrayed. Today I was betrayed by someone I trusted. By someone who I thought was a mature adult with rational thinking. Today my friend started driving me somewhere, and within about 10 mins I discovered that he was drunk. My FRIEND got behind the wheel of his car, with me and his dog, and began to drive through the Rocky Mountains after doing (from what I can gather) a couple of shots. He told me later that he started drinking at 10am to "wake himself up" and continued to do shots throughout the morning and early afternoon before my arrival at his place at around 1:30. Just before getting in the car at around 2:30 he did a few more shots (while I was outside unawares), got in the car and we took off. I started to notice pretty soon that he was acting really goofy, and he was even slurring his speech....I honestly thought that he was just getting goofy because he was chewing tobacco, which I know gives you a buzz. But it kept getting worse. He kept going the wrong way, even after I reminded him twice. He almost went past our exit, even AFTER he read the sign out loud. I was really confused. He pulled the car over and said I should drive if I'm uncomfortable (which at that point I was).

As we pulled out, I mentioned how I was a little weirded out by his behavior - he was acting really strange. He then proceeded to tell me it was probably because of the alcohol he had had. At first I thought he was kidding, but when I realized he wasn't I was livid. I basically told him that I was disgusted, appalled, and utterly disappointed in him. He then proceeded to say to me, "You know, guys don't like it when girls tell them that they have to change."

Yeah, well, girls don't like it when boys are alcoholics and put other people's lives at risk because of their stupidity.

I am still irate over this situation. I'm writing this blog to help me sort it all out. Am I expecting too much from people? What I truly don't understand is how people can not want to become the best possible version of themselves - how they can settle for crap? Why are people so willing to settle for a second-rate version of themselves??? I don't think that any of us will EVER achieve perfection, but shouldn't we at least desire improvement? Am I the only one out here who wants to constantly fine-tune myself to constantly improve and just become a good person? Help! If there is anyone else out there who can appreciate the desire for improvement, please write to me. I feel like I am the only one.

Why did he try to make ME feel like the bad guy? What a terrible friend I am - I pointed out that my friend did something unforgivably irresponsible.

I need help, advice, or....something. I'm about ready to toss aside yet another friend, and I don't know if I'd be going too far. Help!

Time flies!

"Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you." -Zech 9:12


Hello there in Blog land. It is I. The one who has been silent for...well lets just say a really long time. I don't quite know how to sum-up the last two years, but here is my best attempt:

2007 - Denver, photography school, and learning to be content with just myself and God

2008 - photography school draws to a close, I pack up and leave Denver, I live at home in Syracuse NY and search for a job

2009-now: I still don't have a job, I move back to Denver

I moved back to Denver yesterday. Today is my first day back in my new home (does that make any sense?). I have learned so much in the last two years that I feel like a completely different person, in all good ways. I never thought that I could actually like myself....not just like myself, but also ENJOY myself. I have a hard road ahead of me, and I am so blessed to have God by my side. The drive back here was wonderful. I love driving long distances - there a weird freedom in it that I can't truly describe, but it is just wonderful.

I have NO idea what the future will bring, and that used to scare me. Now I just live in hopeful anticipation. Something good is going to happen to me today, and only God knows what. Thank God that He knows. I know whatever He has in store for me is infinitely better than what I could have planned.

My plan right now is this: don't have a plan, except to follow God. I'll let you know how that goes, but I am feeling hopeful :).

Holding my hands

Holding hands is very special to me. I've only ever held hands with people that I deeply loved. It always confused me when people who were on a first date having just met could hold hands. I really have to know the person.

Anyways, it's been a while. My heart is still aching constantly for Paki. I guess it's just something I will have to get used to.

I've been hurting so badly the last week. I've been crying every day dozens of times. I am definitely in some sort of funk. I was struggling so badly to get out. I can't even describe the pain to you. So deep, and so dark, and from a place I don't understand.

Sunday was my saving grace. In church we were praying, and I was attempting to not cry uncontrollably while I was just laying everything before God.

Then I saw Him. Jesus. He held my hands, looked into my eyes, and smiled. Jesus held my hands, and it means so much to me. He reminded me how much He really IS with me, and how much He truly knows and understands me.

You know that song I mentioned a few blogs ago about "Moving on,". Later in the song it also says "Your hands are mine to hold. Speak to me." I feel like that's what Jesus was telling me yesterday. My hands are His to hold, and all He wants is for me to trust in Him in everything.

Little by little. Day by day. Baby steps, I'm on my way.

Stuck on survive

I feel like I'm spinning my wheels a little. I'm wondering if I'm mourning the "loss" of the Navy. Everything I've been doing lately doesn't seem exciting enough. Being a Navy pilot was always full of the unknown, even if I was just flying around the same island again and again- it was certainly exciting some of the time, if not most. I wonder if most people who leave the military for the civilian sector feel the same way.

My relationship with God has been hurting lately too. I talk AT Him, not with Him. It's almost if I'm not sure if He's listening or not. I wonder why this doubt has crept up. I have my theories, but they're all stupid. I know God will forgive me for my doubt...I just want it to be gone, but I'm kind of sturggling with that too.

I feel like I'm struggling with so many things that all I can do is just wake up and try to survive each day. I know I can. I know I will. But why should I waste my life just "surviving"? Shouldn't I be loving, and smiling, and laughing, and singing, and spreading happiness, joy...

It sounds to me like I need a savior. Good thing I have one, right?

So Serious! Absolut Ads

Geez my blogs have been serious lately. I need to get out and have a good laugh with a friend.

Well, I started school this week, and I am so excited for my new classes. They are going to challenge me a lot, but I am chomping at the bit already. For my final project (yes, I'm already thinking about that) for my favorite class will be my own Absolut AD. So far she said that it has to say something about yourself. Here are the ones I've thought of so far:

Absolut Resolution 1 - A scale top with a hand sliding the slider to the "heavier" side, while the slider itself is an absolut bottle, or at least in the shape of one

Absolut Resolution 2 - A person lifting weights, but the weights and the bar is made up of to absolut bottle on either end

Absolut Top Gun - the only idea I have is an absolut bottle with a brown aviator jacket on (and many patches) and "wearing" gold rimmed aviator sunglasses

Absolut Polynesia 1 - A tiki statue in the shape of an absolut bottle

Absolut Polynesia 2 - A canoe paddle with an absolut bottle shape in the koa wood

Absolut Summer - a picture of a woman tanning in the sun, with a burn in the shape of a bottle in her back as if she missed a spot with sunscreen

I have another idea I got while stretching at the gym. My feet where together and the shape in my new running shoes formed a curvey shapes in the different colors and patterns that came together. It would be a good picture to mainpulate to have an absolut bottle in there, but I couldn't think of what kind of absolut ad it could be. I love Addidas running shoes (will never be unfaithful) so I was thinking Absolut Addidas, but you can't really advertise one product with another...I guess.

Any thoughts or ideas?